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ENOUGH

by Fell From The Tree

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1.
I thought I’d be the exception and I’d make it out Jump onto the last lifeboat and swore that I tripped And no one asks what I’m always on about My words are terse and my speech is clipped I was waiting I was waiting for an empty room Made a promise to myself that I’d see it through I’ve tread water and it feels like standing still Tread water gasping breath to talk about my day Tread water haven’t thought about tomorrow I’ve tried but I know it’s not enough I tread water doesn’t matter if I have the will I tread water but if someone asks then I’m okay I tread water even if nobody’s coming Treading water would never be enough I thought I needed more time to sort it out I guess I prayed too hard for the world to stop Form a chrysalis as I’m laying on the couch Emerge out of focus against the backdrop I was waiting I was waiting for the end, it came Made a promise to myself I wouldn’t stay... the same I’ve Tread water and it feels like standing still Tread water and you want to ask about my day Tread water haven’t thought about tomorrow I’ve tried but I know it’s not enough I tread water doesn’t matter if I have the will I tread water but if someone asks then I’m okay I tread water even if nobody’s coming Treading water wouldn’t be enough I like to think I’m not in that deep Then the sun comes up and I still don’t sleep And it’s enough And I tread water and it feels like standing still Tread water gasping breath to make it through the day Tread water haven’t thought about tomorrow I’ve tried but I won't be enough I tread water doesn’t matter if I have the will I tread water but if someone asks then I’m okay I tread water even if nobody’s coming Treading water would never be enough
2.
If I am to say I know how you feel How deep does it run How far can I get? You can always talk There’s no unspoken deal No breaking through No time left Do you know What you are They don’t Do you know what you are Everyone will think they know What you want don’t you clarify Don't let anyone cross a line So can you be around me Can I make you safe When I’m in control but I feel replaced I can’t make you feel home I won’t make you feel loved What‘s left to become And can I be that enough? Cause I've Learned from what I've been Afraid of going there again Innocent mistakes, not innocent but mistakes Don't let unanswered questions go addressed And I will never ask about your progress It's not worth what you go through To unlearn what they taught you There's never been a benefit to being honest Go find your way to normalcy Ignore this part of your history leave and cross out what it was We had in common
3.
Weird Place 03:43
Not something to hold on to I thought when I lost you I was in a weird place When I was just a sketch You filled in shadows gave me depth It’s not erased I wanted a mirror I couldn’t see myself angle it right and then we were the same I used to think that I’d end up like you Cause I had it in me, the genes went unexpressed just another thing that we worked through Act like it’s resolved even if it hasn’t left Or I was just another person that hurt you The way I opened up and you were unimpressed It's just another thing that we work through I thought I did but it just hadn't come up again When you aimed for the leg Missed so far you shot the head Either way you meant to hit I thought I'd made so much progress But there's always more to process Can’t write through it I wanted a mirror was scared of what I saw I can look at myself but can’t unsee you yet Carry it with me it wrecks the whole mood Ruin my friends nights when I don’t forget I‘d have given everything to be with you Cause I had it in me to hold you up too high And it's just another thing that I do Projected on everyone before I knew why Cause I’d have given everything to be like you Whatever I am at least I can write that off It’s just another thing that we work through Another path we weren’t meant to cross I hid you up my sleeve My sob story my sympathy Left out when I was wrong Never the bastion of decency I tried to chase that feeling Forgetting it's not something I want Break it off until everyone is just something to learn from Then I found your texts and laughed because We were really just kids (at least I was) That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt It will never disappear Obsessive, possessive, cavalier I’m sure we both put in the work I was in a weird place You were in a weird place
4.
Enough 03:07
You built the ground where I walk you made sure that everything would be okay When I need you to say it the most, we know that it won’t There was always something easier to feel so I let the clarity fall away I can’t hold that in I know I should but I don’t (there’s no right thing to say) Cite all the times I’ve lost my grasp Whatever it takes to drive my confidence lower It makes me want to leave forever It makes me want to call it over Cause I’ve been told I should never give a first chance let alone another chance to anyone like you It’s a convincing thing to retreat into it doesn’t matter what you think or I think I need to trust myself to remember the truth But the truth is I’m scared to sit down and talk to you (not by design but there’s no time to) All the progress may come undone Put aside that you and I were both once the bad ones All the things I need to unlearn aren’t your fault But that’s not concrete, that’s no fun I thought you had to be a villain so I could be a hero Or I thought I had to be a villain, I didn’t feel like a hero I thought I’d slip through the first crack I could find now that the world’s irrevocably broken If I wasn’t always talked down from it I would have already split it open But nothing matters at a time like this But what you still have and what you can salvage I used to hope that when the worst was done By then I would have paved my way to go and run My judgement was clouded by what I guess I haven’t adequately expressed There’s no point in explaining it anymore but it’s not like I did my best All the things I’d ask about to change the subject to have disappeared Til it's the two of us sitting in the kitchen knowing we're not supposed to be here Nobody's the enemy I’ll push you incrementally I'm all read up on everything I studied all the chemistry I won't test you on anything I should be the last thing on your mind Out of energy and out of ideas You don’t need another on your list of fears And no ones superhuman anymore Blown over by the smallest war I know for sure now I am not a burden but I always knew I was a lot of work I thought I could do this forever but then I wonder why I keep getting hurt Forgive me when I act like you're not doing enough cause you’re doing so much if you feel like you can't be enough Know you are as much as you can be That’s enough You’ve done enough, you are enough
5.
Good Thing 04:14
Shirts I wear to impress you Shirts I tuck in to say I am one of you Beautiful clothes I can’t fit in, is this supposed to be my truth You told me this should be a good thing Sleeves pulled up to feel your hands I could hear your voice for hours do you understand I can’t be one of you and I couldn’t have been your man But you told me this should be a good thing I want to I want to believe you I want to So can you show me So I don’t focus on what I’ll get used to Not everything gets me so undone I’m used to the news, come on, I’m not that dumb It’s reassurance I have to run from But you told me this should be a good thing I’ll live through you, until I can’t anymore I want to trust you but I’m torn You have to hide your form what did I want this for You told me this should be a good thing How much should I be afraid Everyone else was but went on anyway Can you show me I’m behind on what I’m getting used to Maybe sometime I won’t need to ask again vulnerable, unknowable, some grizzled veteran Fighting while on the edge of crying to lite fm you told me this should be a good thing I’m stronger now but I’m not as strong as you A cold comfort that you’re not strong enough too Nobody is, nobody’s been, nobody can be, but You told me this should be a good thing You told me this should be a good thing You told me You were sure You told me
6.
I just feel them watching standing in the room with me Send it to be redlined, just tell me what I'm doing wrong This makes me feel so out of character I can't be alone never been alone Put me in the wild they expect me to be feral I don’t trust those instincts, but I’m sick of being careful high expectations, can't get what's underneath them I'm never alone enough You’re too old for mistakes No room in the plans you made They’ve run out of patience They know your excuse It gets so hard to think straight Head atop a deepfake They won't pick your baggage As far as they could choose Tonight was someone supposed to need you Is it worth it even if they want to It’s too much to ask to overcome Love you in silence then find somewhere to run Then I just feel them watching standing in the room with me Send it to be redlined, just tell me what I'm doing wrong This makes me feel so out of character I can’t be alone I can’t be alone Put me in the wild expect me to be feral Promise that I’ll find peace, fuck if I know where though Set high expectations but can't get what's underneath them I'm never alone enough Daylight feeling like a curse beneath my skin Say it right, or i might just hang up again Fucked up, you don’t want none You’re my love, love, not my unloved May I see your hand in mine and take a chance .44 make him choke choke He a broke boy, I won’t go fo it You should cope boy, you need more poise You make no noise, that’s a no no PRESSURE TRY TO TREAT ME THAT WAY FORFEIT EXPRESSION TALK TO ME LIKE THEY VOICING MY DEPRESSION WELL YOU’LL JUST CATCH ME POISING IN PROFESSION OH SO PLEASANT THE MESSAGE I can feel them watching standing in the room with me Send it to be redlined, just tell me what I'm doing wrong This makes me feel so out of character I can’t be alone I can’t be alone Put me in the wild expect me to be feral I don’t trust those instincts, but I’m sick of being careful Set high expectations but can't get what's underneath them I'm never alone enough
7.
The traffic stops around you now you can’t walk if you want to Used to block out the sirens, but that’s not what haunts you They’re giving you reasons to give up that’s all they’re into And less not to give in Hold to the breaking point, said you’d wait for it You saw a way out you chased for it Call on your strength to carry on and you wondered why you did You said you wondered why you did It feels naive now but you were hopeful back then If you were my age now, I would have lost a friend You know as well as anyone They’ll find new ways to hurt us Borrowed time and borrowed shame They're too far gone and they won't change To the breaking point, you swore you’d wait for it You had to hope, didn't you, so you chased for it Called on your strength to carry on you said you wondered why you did You said you wondered why you did No one can tell you to hang on or let go No one can tell you whether you made the right call No one can tell you to be safe But something made you stay Something made you stay Eyes closed you’re aimless But they fire when they see you open We won’t live like they want It’s a matter of choosing the poison Eyes closed you’re aimless But they fire when they see you open We won’t live like they want If we choose to live at all You’ll never figure out if it was better to be better as the world got worse you didn’t think it would first Selfishly I know that I want you here I want you here as the world gets worse
8.
Long Road 02:50
Of course it’s a long road but you don’t care about the unknowns If you walk ahead of me I’d rather be alone While I still have choice over who loves me and who follows me around I was never gonna be the one who makes sure you’re found We’ll be back here with our families all crying on the couch by this time next year We’ll be back here no matter what they say or what they’ve learned The things they still believe will find their way through the words that you taught them They’ll still love us the same ways, haven’t you heard? Cause I‘ve heard nothing but bad things I’ve heard nothing but bad things You are not a hero I hoped you would refuse the call You got so far ahead because you don’t know better at all while I still have choices before the options are taken and it’s all on me I was never gonna be the one to tell you to breathe Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you’re still alive It’s less safe than it was less hopeful than before our time When you jumped from that burning building did you put in the work so someone will catch you or are you not hitting the ground because you don’t look down you never look down I hear nothing but bad things I hear nothing but bad things About you and what you’re going through And if today I have hope Tomorrow I probably won’t I’d rather live in black-and-white Than need to keep you in my sight And though our time may runs out Before this song will come out I've found nothing but bad things I've heard nothing but bad things I live my life by Good Advice how can you be so reckless I live my life just wanting to fill out somebody’s checklist I live my life just to get in some higher-up’s good graces Watch you get chewed out and chewed up, how did you think you could face it ?
9.
So many people could have avoided all this Something went wrong when you were born you didn’t ask for one you barely wanted one But you were given a form you were given a form Oh, meanwhile I've been living the dream I don't need to be perceived I don't need to be seen Nothing defines me and when you talk it reminds me That I was dodging a bullet but now I'm running into it Can't you just mirror whoever you wanted to be All you really ever wanted was stability I've spent so long in the in between If you can then halt your progress and regress to the mean I've been talking shit about music with some boys Talked shit about those boys with some girls Talked shit about the girls with the ones left over When I’m tired and they’re not sober Forget everything you thought through and be dishonest I'll be the protest sign in your closet I'll be the part of you you left in college You could choose, baby, I didn't want this I can’t do what my body wants me to do My body can’t do what it wants me to do My body can’t do what I want it to I can’t do what I want to with my body
10.
Dress 06:00
I changed my mind I told them that they could smoke inside Hotboxed the whole house as I left and called a ride It didn’t come I walked back home to say I did acting like that time was the last time I‘d do it Holding a dress And a red blazer I confirmed with the hosts and guests That it wouldn’t phase them Like I thought it would They’ve seen worse than what I‘ve seen They’ve been lower than where I may be I didn’t have what they were drinking what they were lighting If someone got it wrong I wouldn’t start fighting Couldn’t lose myself to throwbacks, I was distracted I confess You think less of yourself when you feel like you don’t belong in this dress They don’t say when I’m there, they don’t say it when I leave Even when I’m safe I can’t let myself be I never tried to make a difference I never wanted to be an inconvenience Taking up space never knowing how to handle it right Damned to the tunnel no proof of light I never went through what they went through and they didn’t have a choice All the things they got used to But this is where they shake it loose And In this room I still can’t move They’re still belting live from the right of the dial No surprise my voice gave in after a while I had my moments but I couldn’t relax Glimpse at the wrong angle all I think after the fact I’m trying not to call attention to myself Everyone knows I’m standing there no one asks or tells Say it when I’m there and they say it when I leave How much they “want to get it right” but in this fit that’s a reach I could let myself go but I can’t let myself be more vulnerable Have you heard these songs, that’s not possible How do you compartmentalize teach me sometime I know I’ll need it Despite myself, so far I’m standing But I can’t stand to take another step Despite myself, singing “I don’t wanna die in here’ but I don’t wanna lose it all out there” I never went through what they went through and they didn’t have a choice All the things they got used to But in this room they shake it loose In this room I still can’t move I cannot go through what you go through just to live another day What keeps you alive in this time and place In this room I still can’t move In this room I still can’t move And when the music gets too loud what joy do you get out of it? I want to feel freer too But I can’t move in this room But I can't move in this room How do you? In a word I’m lost In a world where it‘s never made sense to be anyone but who I was Though I show my heavy hand I don’t understand what else to say Then the future is over and it’s too late And I’m a coward to the day they leave for space As we’re consumed by literal flames And you find ways to distract, to cope, overcome How do you? It's something I'll use I’ll miss the late nights out walking If not the reasons I was up that late But I might be up anyway Wondering if I’ll be okay Causes I have no clue Am I enough Nobody is That’s not much But at least it’s true
11.
Good Advice 05:42
You know a little better where I'm from You know a little better why I haven't been better I hope someday I'll laugh at the strongly worded letters I wrote to living Stop taking myself so seriously Found no peace of mind, what was I looking for there’s no truth to find, what was I working toward Never made my own meaning before but there was never an option I’ve spent my time Taking in good advice I’ve been inured I’ve been productive, Never bored Telling the same jokes For several years Afraid if I spoke What I had would disappear But it got old fast I knew it would be all this time spent on anxiety I convinced myself they were convincing themselves That maybe pain made them stronger but it never outweighed That they were never the same but they act unscathed It comes with the territory life goes on anyway The truths they’ll tell the things they say The ways I've been complicit and I've been ashamed And I don’t really get what’s making me stay But It doesn’t matter whether I’ll be okay I think I proved myself I barely missed a dose Every other weekend Spent in my notes It felt right when I thought it Right when I wrote it down I looked at it wondering Why I didn’t feel it now I’ve spent my time Taking in good advice I’ve been assured I’d never suffer, I’d be adored Cause maybe one day I’m gonna get out Spend every morning Sketching in how And it takes more strength then anyone should have By design but that's fine, I expected that I will belong to somewhere or someone I will be-long winded but stick with me stick with me I will be fine, heaven’s no concern and I’ve been through hell And I’ll live my life so if something should happen my absence is felt I’ve done my time Listening to good advice Behind closed doors Productive, but what for I can’t say if I will belong To somewhere or someone I’m still not enough and I’m still not strong But I’m choosing now of all times to go on so...

credits

released January 15, 2021

Thank you to my family for putting up with the mixes I tested in the car and supporting me through all this shit. I’ll write something you can sing to eventually!

Thank you to the people who lent their talent and insight to the record, in order of appearance, Tiger, David, Amandeep, Katie, LoneMoon, Gabi, Ryan, Mollusk, Zophia, Jeff, Maria, and to other songwriters that gave feedback and encouraged me in the process (special shout out to Ariel, Jordan, Tess, and Wren).

Additional thanks to Ryan Morey for mastering Tree Stump and Kevin Killen for graciously speaking with me while I was finalizing the mixes. And to all the people I’ve interviewed and written about thus far because you inspire me to push myself further.

CREDITS:

Violin on tracks 8, 10, and 11 - Molly Robins

Additional Drum Programming on 2 - Brosandi

Additional vocal production on 4 by David Mohacsi

Guitar on 5 and 11 - Brosandi

All tracks written by Fell From The Tree, except for 7, written by Tree and LoneMoon

Recorded in Rochester, NY and New York, NY
Additional recording at the other players’ respective locations.

“Good Advice” samples “Warmer” by Zophia Dadlez.

Produced, mixed, and programmed by Fell From The Tree

except “I Tread Water” mixed by Tiger Darrow.

Mastered by Maria Rice at Peerless Mastering, Boston, MA.

“Breaking Point” originally mastered by Ryan Schwabe, “Never Alone” originally mastered by Gabi Grella. “Good Thing” originally mastered by Katie Tavini.

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Fell From The Tree Rochester, New York

I fell from a tree.
I am in a fog and I catastrophize.
I am not ENOUGH, but that's ok.

Now I find Answers in Between
theanswersinbetween.bandcamp.com

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