1. |
I Tread Water
03:23
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I thought I’d be the exception and I’d make it out
Jump onto the last lifeboat and swore that I tripped
And no one asks what I’m always on about
My words are terse and my speech is clipped
I was waiting I was waiting for an empty room
Made a promise to myself that I’d see it through
I’ve tread water and it feels like standing still
Tread water gasping breath to talk about my day
Tread water haven’t thought about tomorrow
I’ve tried but I know it’s not enough
I tread water doesn’t matter if I have the will
I tread water but if someone asks then I’m okay
I tread water even if nobody’s coming
Treading water would never be enough
I thought I needed more time to sort it out
I guess I prayed too hard for the world to stop
Form a chrysalis as I’m laying on the couch
Emerge out of focus against the backdrop
I was waiting I was waiting for the end, it came
Made a promise to myself I wouldn’t stay... the same
I’ve
Tread water and it feels like standing still
Tread water and you want to ask about my day
Tread water haven’t thought about tomorrow
I’ve tried but I know it’s not enough
I tread water doesn’t matter if I have the will
I tread water but if someone asks then I’m okay
I tread water even if nobody’s coming
Treading water wouldn’t be enough
I like to think I’m not in that deep
Then the sun comes up and I still don’t sleep
And it’s enough
And I tread water and it feels like standing still
Tread water gasping breath to make it through the day
Tread water haven’t thought about tomorrow
I’ve tried but I won't be enough
I tread water doesn’t matter if I have the will
I tread water but if someone asks then I’m okay
I tread water even if nobody’s coming
Treading water would never be enough
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2. |
What You Want
03:36
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If I am to say
I know how you feel
How deep does it run
How far can I get?
You can always talk
There’s no unspoken deal
No breaking through
No time left
Do you know
What you are
They don’t
Do you know
what you are
Everyone will think they know
What you want
don’t you clarify
Don't let anyone cross a line
So can you be around me
Can I make you safe
When I’m in control
but I feel replaced
I can’t make you feel home
I won’t make you feel loved
What‘s left to become
And can I be that enough?
Cause I've
Learned from what I've been
Afraid of going there again
Innocent mistakes, not innocent but mistakes
Don't let unanswered questions go addressed
And I will never ask about your progress
It's not worth what you go through
To unlearn what they taught you
There's never been a benefit to
being honest
Go find your way to normalcy
Ignore this part of your history
leave and cross out what it was
We had in common
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3. |
Weird Place
03:43
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Not something to hold on to
I thought when I lost you
I was in a weird place
When I was just a sketch
You filled in shadows gave me depth
It’s not erased
I wanted a mirror I couldn’t see myself
angle it right and then we were the same
I used to think that I’d end up like you
Cause I had it in me, the genes went unexpressed
just another thing that we worked through
Act like it’s resolved even if it hasn’t left
Or I was just another person that hurt you
The way I opened up and you were unimpressed
It's just another thing that we work through
I thought I did but it just hadn't come up again
When you aimed for the leg
Missed so far you shot the head
Either way you meant to hit
I thought I'd made so much progress
But there's always more to process
Can’t write through it
I wanted a mirror was scared of what I saw
I can look at myself but can’t unsee you yet
Carry it with me it wrecks the whole mood
Ruin my friends nights when I don’t forget
I‘d have given everything to be with you
Cause I had it in me to hold you up too high
And it's just another thing that I do
Projected on everyone before I knew why
Cause I’d have given everything to be like you
Whatever I am at least I can write that off
It’s just another thing that we work through
Another path we weren’t meant to cross
I hid you up my sleeve
My sob story my sympathy
Left out when I was wrong
Never the bastion of decency
I tried to chase that feeling
Forgetting it's not something I want
Break it off until everyone is just
something to learn from
Then I found your texts and laughed because
We were really just kids (at least I was)
That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt
It will never disappear
Obsessive, possessive, cavalier
I’m sure we both put in the work
I was in a weird place
You were in a weird place
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4. |
Enough
03:07
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You built the ground where I walk you made sure that everything would be okay
When I need you to say it the most, we know that it won’t
There was always something easier to feel so I let the clarity fall away
I can’t hold that in I know I should but I don’t
(there’s no right thing to say)
Cite all the times I’ve lost my grasp
Whatever it takes to drive my confidence lower
It makes me want to leave forever
It makes me want to call it over
Cause I’ve been told I should never give a first chance
let alone another chance to
anyone like you
It’s a convincing thing to retreat into
it doesn’t matter what you think or I think I need to trust myself to remember the truth
But the truth is I’m scared to sit down and talk to you (not by design but there’s no time to)
All the progress may come undone
Put aside that you and I were both once the bad ones
All the things I need to unlearn aren’t your fault
But that’s not concrete, that’s no fun
I thought you had to be a villain so I could be a hero
Or I thought I had to be a villain, I didn’t feel like a hero
I thought I’d slip through the first crack I could find now that the world’s irrevocably broken
If I wasn’t always talked down from it I would have already split it open
But nothing matters at a time like this
But what you still have and what you can salvage
I used to hope that when the worst was done
By then I would have paved my way to go and run
My judgement was clouded by what I guess
I haven’t adequately expressed
There’s no point in explaining it anymore
but it’s not like I did my best
All the things I’d ask about to change the subject to have disappeared
Til it's the two of us sitting in the kitchen knowing we're not supposed to be here
Nobody's the enemy
I’ll push you incrementally
I'm all read up on everything
I studied all the chemistry
I won't test you on anything
I should be the last thing on your mind
Out of energy and out of ideas
You don’t need another on your list of fears
And no ones superhuman anymore
Blown over by the smallest war
I know for sure now I am not a burden but I always knew I was a lot of work
I thought I could do this forever but then I wonder why I keep getting hurt
Forgive me when I act like you're not doing enough cause you’re doing so much
if you feel like you can't be enough
Know you are as much as you can be
That’s enough
You’ve done enough, you are enough
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5. |
Good Thing
04:14
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Shirts I wear to impress you
Shirts I tuck in to say I am one of you
Beautiful clothes I can’t fit in, is this supposed to be my truth
You told me this should be a good thing
Sleeves pulled up to feel your hands
I could hear your voice for hours do you understand
I can’t be one of you and I couldn’t have been your man
But you told me this should be a good thing
I want to
I want to believe you
I want to
So can you show me
So I don’t focus on what I’ll get used to
Not everything gets me so undone
I’m used to the news, come on, I’m not that dumb
It’s reassurance I have to run from
But you told me this should be a good thing
I’ll live through you, until I can’t anymore
I want to trust you but I’m torn
You have to hide your form what did I want this for
You told me this should be a good thing
How much should
I be afraid
Everyone else was but went on anyway
Can you show me
I’m behind on what I’m getting used to
Maybe sometime I won’t need to ask again
vulnerable, unknowable, some grizzled veteran
Fighting while on the edge of crying to lite fm
you told me this should be a good thing
I’m stronger now but I’m not as strong as you
A cold comfort that you’re not strong enough too
Nobody is, nobody’s been, nobody can be, but
You told me this should be a good thing
You told me this should be a good thing
You told me
You were sure
You told me
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6. |
||||
I just feel them watching standing in the room with me
Send it to be redlined, just tell me what I'm doing wrong
This makes me feel so out of character
I can't be alone never been alone
Put me in the wild they expect me to be feral
I don’t trust those instincts, but I’m sick of being careful
high expectations, can't get what's underneath them
I'm never alone enough
You’re too old for mistakes
No room in the plans you made
They’ve run out of patience
They know your excuse
It gets so hard to think straight
Head atop a deepfake
They won't pick your baggage
As far as they could choose
Tonight was someone supposed to need you
Is it worth it even if they want to
It’s too much to ask to overcome
Love you in silence then find somewhere to run
Then I just feel them watching standing in the room
with me
Send it to be redlined, just tell me what I'm doing wrong
This makes me feel so out of character
I can’t be alone I can’t be alone
Put me in the wild expect me to be feral
Promise that I’ll find peace, fuck if I know where though
Set high expectations but can't get what's underneath them
I'm never alone enough
Daylight
feeling like a curse beneath my skin
Say it right, or i might just hang up again
Fucked up, you don’t want none
You’re my love, love, not my unloved
May I see your hand in mine and take a chance
.44 make him choke choke
He a broke boy, I won’t go fo it
You should cope boy, you need more poise
You make no noise, that’s a no no
PRESSURE
TRY TO TREAT ME THAT WAY FORFEIT EXPRESSION
TALK TO ME LIKE THEY VOICING MY DEPRESSION
WELL YOU’LL JUST CATCH ME POISING IN PROFESSION
OH SO PLEASANT
THE MESSAGE
I can feel them watching standing in the room with me
Send it to be redlined, just tell me what I'm doing wrong
This makes me feel so out of character
I can’t be alone I can’t be alone
Put me in the wild expect me to be feral
I don’t trust those instincts, but I’m sick of being careful
Set high expectations but can't get what's underneath them
I'm never alone enough
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7. |
Breaking Point
03:59
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The traffic stops around you now you can’t walk if you want to
Used to block out the sirens, but that’s not what haunts you
They’re giving you reasons to give up that’s all they’re into
And less not to give in
Hold to the breaking point, said you’d wait for it
You saw a way out you chased for it
Call on your strength to carry on and you wondered why you did
You said you wondered why you did
It feels naive now but you were hopeful back then
If you were my age now, I would have lost a friend
You know as well as anyone
They’ll find new ways to hurt us
Borrowed time and borrowed shame
They're too far gone and they won't change
To the breaking point, you swore you’d wait for it
You had to hope, didn't you, so you chased for it
Called on your strength to carry on you said you wondered why you did
You said you wondered why you did
No one can tell you to hang on or let go
No one can tell you whether you made the right call
No one can tell you to be safe
But something made you stay
Something made you stay
Eyes closed you’re aimless
But they fire when they see you open
We won’t live like they want
It’s a matter of choosing the poison
Eyes closed you’re aimless
But they fire when they see you open
We won’t live like they want
If we choose to live at all
You’ll never figure out if it was better to be better as the world got worse you didn’t think it would first
Selfishly I know that I want you here
I want you here as the world gets worse
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8. |
Long Road
02:50
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Of course it’s a long road
but you don’t care about the unknowns
If you walk ahead of me
I’d rather be alone
While I still have choice over who loves me and who follows me around
I was never gonna be the one who makes sure you’re found
We’ll be back here with our families all crying on the couch
by this time next year
We’ll be back here no matter what they say or what they’ve learned
The things they still believe will find their way through the words that you taught them
They’ll still love us the same ways, haven’t you heard?
Cause I‘ve heard nothing but bad things
I’ve heard nothing but bad things
You are not a hero I hoped you would refuse the call
You got so far ahead because you don’t know better at all
while I still have choices before the options are taken and it’s all on me
I was never gonna be the one to tell you to breathe
Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you’re still alive
It’s less safe than it was less hopeful than before our time
When you jumped from that burning building did you put in the work so someone will catch you
or are you not hitting the ground because you don’t look down you never look down
I hear nothing but bad things
I hear nothing but bad things
About you and what you’re going through
And if today I have hope
Tomorrow I probably won’t
I’d rather live in black-and-white
Than need to keep you in my sight
And though our time may runs out
Before this song will come out
I've found nothing but bad things
I've heard nothing but bad things
I live my life by Good Advice how can you be so reckless
I live my life just wanting to fill out somebody’s checklist
I live my life just to get in some higher-up’s good graces
Watch you get chewed out and chewed up, how did you think you could face it ?
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9. |
Body (Bad Advice)
01:47
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So many people could have avoided all this
Something went wrong when you were born
you didn’t ask for one you barely wanted one
But you were given a form you were given a form
Oh, meanwhile I've been living the dream
I don't need to be perceived I don't need to be seen
Nothing defines me and when you talk it reminds me
That I was dodging a bullet but now I'm running into it
Can't you just mirror whoever you wanted to be
All you really ever wanted was stability
I've spent so long in the in between
If you can then halt your progress and regress to the mean
I've been talking shit about music with some boys
Talked shit about those boys with some girls
Talked shit about the girls with the ones left over
When I’m tired and they’re not sober
Forget everything you thought through and be dishonest
I'll be the protest sign in your closet
I'll be the part of you you left in college
You could choose, baby, I didn't want this
I can’t do what my body wants me to do
My body can’t do what it wants me to do
My body can’t do what I want it to
I can’t do what I want to with my body
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10. |
Dress
06:00
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I changed my mind I told them that they could smoke inside
Hotboxed the whole house as I left and called a ride
It didn’t come I walked back home to say I did
acting like that time was the last time I‘d do it
Holding a dress
And a red blazer
I confirmed with the hosts and guests
That it wouldn’t phase them
Like I thought it would
They’ve seen worse than what I‘ve seen
They’ve been lower than where I may be
I didn’t have what they were drinking what they were lighting
If someone got it wrong I wouldn’t start fighting
Couldn’t lose myself to throwbacks, I was distracted I confess
You think less of yourself when you feel like you don’t belong in this dress
They don’t say when I’m there, they don’t say it when I leave
Even when I’m safe I can’t let myself be
I never tried to make a difference
I never wanted to be an inconvenience
Taking up space never knowing how to handle it right
Damned to the tunnel no proof of light
I never went through what they went through and they didn’t have a choice
All the things they got used to
But this is where they shake it loose
And In this room I still can’t move
They’re still belting live from the right of the dial
No surprise my voice gave in after a while
I had my moments but I couldn’t relax
Glimpse at the wrong angle all I think after the fact
I’m trying not to call attention to myself
Everyone knows I’m standing there no one asks or tells
Say it when I’m there and they say it when I leave
How much they “want to get it right” but in this fit that’s a reach
I could let myself go but I can’t let myself be
more vulnerable
Have you heard these songs, that’s not possible
How do you compartmentalize
teach me sometime I know I’ll need it
Despite myself, so far I’m standing
But I can’t stand to take another step
Despite myself, singing “I don’t wanna die in here’ but I don’t wanna lose it all out there”
I never went through what they went through and they didn’t have a choice
All the things they got used to
But in this room they shake it loose
In this room I still can’t move
I cannot go through what you go through just to live another day
What keeps you alive in this time and place
In this room I still can’t move
In this room I still can’t move
And when the music gets too loud what joy do you get out of it?
I want to feel freer too
But I can’t move in this room
But I can't move in this room
How do you?
In a word I’m lost
In a world where it‘s never made sense
to be anyone
but who I was
Though I show my heavy hand
I don’t understand what else to say
Then the future is over and it’s too late
And I’m a coward to the day they leave for space
As we’re consumed by literal flames
And you find ways to distract, to cope, overcome
How do you?
It's something I'll use
I’ll miss the late nights out walking
If not the reasons I was up that late
But I might be up anyway
Wondering if I’ll be okay
Causes I have no clue
Am I enough
Nobody is
That’s not much
But at least it’s true
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11. |
Good Advice
05:42
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You know a little better where I'm from
You know a little better why I haven't been better
I hope someday I'll laugh at the strongly worded letters I wrote to living
Stop taking myself so seriously
Found no peace of mind, what was I looking for
there’s no truth to find, what was I working toward
Never made my own meaning before but there was never an option
I’ve spent my time
Taking in good advice
I’ve been inured
I’ve been productive, Never bored
Telling the same jokes
For several years
Afraid if I spoke
What I had would disappear
But it got old fast I knew it would be
all this time spent on anxiety
I convinced myself they were convincing themselves
That maybe pain made them stronger but it never outweighed
That they were never the same but they act unscathed
It comes with the territory life goes on anyway
The truths they’ll tell the things they say
The ways I've been complicit and I've been ashamed
And I don’t really get what’s making me stay
But It doesn’t matter whether I’ll be okay
I think I proved myself
I barely missed a dose
Every other weekend
Spent in my notes
It felt right when I thought it
Right when I wrote it down
I looked at it wondering
Why I didn’t feel it now
I’ve spent my time
Taking in good advice
I’ve been assured
I’d never suffer, I’d be adored
Cause maybe one day
I’m gonna get out
Spend every morning
Sketching in how
And it takes more strength then anyone should have
By design but that's fine, I expected that
I will belong to somewhere or someone
I will be-long winded but stick with me stick with me
I will be fine, heaven’s no concern and I’ve been through hell
And I’ll live my life so if something should happen my absence is felt
I’ve done my time
Listening to good advice
Behind closed doors
Productive, but what for
I can’t say if I will belong
To somewhere or someone
I’m still not enough and I’m still not strong
But I’m choosing now of all times to go on so...
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Fell From The Tree Rochester, New York
I fell from a tree.
I am in a fog and I catastrophize.
I am not ENOUGH, but that's ok.
Now I find Answers in Between
theanswersinbetween.bandcamp.com
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